The Pink Cigar
by Writer25
Summary: Oneshot request for Barbacar. When Marie and her sisters find a magic pink cigar, they find out first hands it's terrifying power. There are just some things you shouldn't play with.


**A/N- I admit I'm a little rusty since I haven't written for a while for this fandom. But I hope this turns out alright. Enjoy :)**

Who knew their trailer had a basement? Okay so maybe it was less of a basement and more of a hole in the crawlspace underneath the trailer but still, who knew? Marie and made the discovery when her favorite mascara had rolled under the couch. She tried getting it out while Lee and May sat on the couch like fat potatoes. As usual, a fight broke out. One thing led to another and suddenly their couch was plummeted through the floor by and angry Lee. Marie spotted the box first.

"Hey look!" She pointed, "What's that thing down there?"

Lee peered down into the darkness, moving her hair out of her eyes, "I dunno. May go see what's down there!"

"Why do I always have to do the dirty work?" May grumbled but obediently reached down to grab it.

It was a box, have buried in the ground. Instead of the usual, old tackle boxes their mom had laying around, it was made of stone with a rusted lock on it.

"It looks old," May said quickly passing off to Lee.

"Probably ain't nothing valuable in it," Lee took a breath and blew off the dust and dirt coating it. Once it was relatively clean, an inscription was barely legible:

 _For those who seek control of the heart_

 _Shall wield the power through mouthpart_

 _But of this great power, Beware!_

 _Or the burden of chaos you shall share._

"Eh, looks like junk to me," Lee declared, preparing to throw the box away.

"Wait!" Marie snatched the box from her, "Can't you read? It says 'control of the heart'. That sounds awesome to me."

"And can't _you_ read?" Lee said snatching it back, "It also says 'beware' and 'chaos'. Does that sound like a good idea to you? Besides, mom always says when you got a slammin' body, you already got control."

Marie rolled her eyes and snatched the box away again. All that talk was easy for Lee to spout since she was already sporting solid B's. So Marie yanked a bobby pin Lee's hair and began fiddling with the lock. It made a scraping sound until it softly clicked. Marie could feel her skin tingling as she slowly opened the lid. Inside was a fat, pink cigar. The end was somehow already glowing a soft pink.

"A pink… cigar?" May tilted her head in confusion, "What's that supposed to do?"

"I guess we have to try it to find out," Marie said and proceeded to put the cigar in her mouth.

"Hold ya horses!" Lee immediately snatched it from her, "Don't test it with us. We need to find some guys."

"Yeah, some cute guys," May giggled.

"Well what are we waiting for girls?" Marie smirked and tucked the cigar in her back pocket, "Let's go hunting."

* * *

They left their trailer to make the journey to the cul-de-sac. They took their usual route through the woods, hoping to catch someone unawares. Secretly though, Marie just loved coming to the woods to get lost in them. The quiet, the darkness, the rich smell of earth and leaves were totally her guilty pleasure. When the trailer got too loud and crazy, this was the first place she escaped to. The junk yard was a close second.

"Look," Lee suddenly nudged her arm and pointed, "Our first target girls."

Marie paused and she and May looked where their sister was pointing. Marie felt her heart give a little hiccup when she saw him. Her cute oven mitt, Double D walking by himself looking nervous as usual. What wasn't usual though was that he walking by himself. Marie could count on one hand how many times she saw her dreamboat without at least one of the Eds with him.

"What are you waiting for?" Lee roughly nudged her again. "Use it on him!"

"Hold your horses! I'm going, I'm going!"

Marie gripped the pink cigar a little tighter in her hand, took a deep breath and made her way to him. The rustle of branches alerted Double D and he whirled around with a look of panic on his face. Marie tensed, ready to run after him but to her surprise, Double D didn't immediately bolt. Instead, his lips turned up in a shaky nervous smile.

"Gr-greetings, Marie," He said, "I-it's a nice day for a walk is it not?"

Marie hesitated, momentarily caught off guard by Edd's weird, almost friendly demeanor towards her. But then she shook it off and her classic Kanker smirk returned.

"Not as nice as you, dreamboat," she cooed and began to circle him, just in case he decided to bolt after all. But while Double D trembled his smile never wavered and he kept his eyes on her. Marie glanced over his shoulder and saw her sisters making impatient gestured for her to hurry it up.

"So, Marie, I was wondering if-"

Marie didn't let him finish. She sucked in a deep breath, put her lips against the pink cigar and blew. A fragrant cloud of pink, glittery smoke billowed out and surrounded Double D's face. He immediately began blinking and coughing, falling to his knees and pounding on his chest with his fist. Marie felt her heart clenched as he looked in actual pain.

"Double D!" She cried and knelt next to him, frantically patting his back trying to help clear his lungs.

Double D held up his hand to ward her off, but as the pink smoke dissipated his coughing slowed to a stop.

"Thank you, Marie." He wheezed and gave her a shaky smile, "but I believe I'm quite alright now."

Marie breathed a sigh a relief and shot a glare over his head at her sisters. As much as she loved torturing him, she didn't want to kill her oven mitt. Double D cleared his throat a final time and slowly stood up.

"Anyways, like I was saying," He looked Marie directly in the eye, "I was wondering if perhaps, um, you would like to partake in a movie with me this weekend. My treat of course."

At first, the words didn't register. Marie was still thinking about how exactly she was going to throttle her sisters when her brain slowly started working again. When it finally managed to process Double D's words, she looked at him with complete and utter shock.

"W-what?"

"I was, um, wondering if you wanted to see a movie with me?" A light blush spread across Double D's cheeks and he shuffled his feet, "If-if you want to that is."

Marie stared at him, stared at the pink cigar in her hands, stared at him, and grinned.

"Of course, you can take me to the movies, cutie-pie!" She yelled maybe a little too loudly.

Double D looked startled at her outburst but smiled. "Excellent. I'll um, pick you up around seven."

"And don't be late!"

Double D nodded and walked away with a wave. As soon as he was out of sight Marie let loose a loud excited squeal and ran to her sisters.

"Did you guys see that?!"

"Holy crap! That actually worked?"

"Hey I want to try it!"

"Back off May, it's my turn!"

"No, I want it!"

"No me!"

"Both of you back off!" Marie put the cigar in her mouth and blew it at both of them. A large pink cloud shaped like a heart wafted out and enveloped them. Lee and May both started coughing and turned to Marie angrily.

"Why I outta-" Lee started to growl but then her eyes widened when she locked on Marie and a loving smile formed instead. "Aw, I could never hurt you little sis. Come here and give me a hug."

Marie's smug smile immediately fell but before she could back away, Lee enveloped her in a lung-crushing hug.

"I wanna hug her too!" May cried out and squeezed the life out of Marie too.

"Uh! ow!" Marie tried to squirm out of their grip but couldn't. "Let go of me you morons!"

"Whatever you say little sis."

"Sure, thing Marie."

Lee and May obediently stepped back but continued to grin at her. Again, Marie looked back and forth between them and the pink cigar in her hand. An evil smile spread across her face.

"Girls, I think I have an idea."

* * *

Marie entered the cul-de-sac with a swagger, Lee and May obediently trailing behind. In most cases, they would storm through the streets like predators, seeking unsuspecting victims. But this time Marie did feel the need to skulk around. Soon, they would all be bowing to her.

"Okay," Marie surveyed the street, "who's first?"

She spotted two of the short twerps, Sarah and Jimmy, riding around on the bikes with capes tied around their shoulders. Sarah spotted them first and immediately glared.

"What the heck are you doing here, Kankers!?" She yelled, "Get out of here and leave us alone!"

Marie's lips curled in a vicious smirk. "Why don't you come over here and make me twerp!"

Sarah's face turned scarlet and despite Jimmy trying to stop her, she jumped off her bike and started storming over. Marie readied the cigar in her mouth and waited for her to get just close enough to-

"Take this you stupid Kanker!" Sarah reared back her fist but Marie quickly blew out a smoky pink heart in her face. Sarah began coughing and choking until the cloud dissipated, leaving Sarah blinking and dazed.

"Well?" Marie chuckled, "what do you have to say now?"

"I think… I think…" Sarah blinked at her a few times before grinning. "I think you're like, the coolest person ever! Can I hang out with you please? Pretty please?"

Marie laughed at the sight of Sarah, the loud-mouth little brat who always hated her, begging and groveling to hang out with them. It would almost have been cute if she wasn't such a pain.

"Get to the back of the line shorty." Marie commanded, gesturing to behind Lee and May.

"Sarah?" Jimmy called out tentatively, "are you okay? Do you want me to get Kevin?"

Sarah turned to smile at him. "Of course, you should Jimmy. Then we can all hang out with Marie together. She's the absolute coolest."

There was a pause and then Jimmy's face transformed into an expression of pure terror. He let loose a bloodcurdling scream, jumped off his bike, and began running.

"Someone help!" He shrieked, "The Kankers brainwashed Sarah!"

Marie snapped her fingers and Lee and May immediately began racing after him. It was absolutely hilarious to her how despite his head start, Jimmy's puny legs just couldn't match Lee and May's powerful strides. Suddenly though, Marie felt something tugging on her hand. She looked down in confusion to see Sarah grabbing hold of her hand and swinging it back and forth with a goofy smile on her face.

She frowned in impatience, "What do you want?"

"To be your new sister Marie," Sarah batted her eyes up at her. "Because I love you sooooo much!"

"Uh…."

"We got him Marie!" Lee and May walked up to them dragging Jimmy by his arms. "Little shrimp couldn't out run us forever."

Jimmy cried and pleaded but Marie merely knelt down, took a long drag off of the pink cigar, and blew. The smoky pink heart drifted over Jimmy's face making him sputter and cough. Once it faded however, Jimmy blinked up at Marie and grinned.

"I'm in so love with your hair!" Jimmy jumped up and began jumping up and down around her, "And your clothes are so retro they're fabulous!"

"Um… thanks, I guess." Marie mumbled.

Despite the weirdness, Marie couldn't resist the power that she wielded between her teeth. She went around the cul de sac with her now loyal followers at her heels.

The next person she came across was that man-stealing, two-face, dumb blond Nazz. She was laying out in the front lawn sunbathing like the Jezebel she was. Marie felt her teeth clench even as a wicked smile curl her lips. She strode directly up to Nazz and stood just in the right way to block her sun. Nazz lifted her sunglasses with a frown and looked Marie up and down.

"Like, what do you want?" She asked impatiently.

Marie only smiled and blew the cigar in her face. Nazz went through the same choking, coughing phase that everyone else went through and when the smoke cleared she stared at Marie in wonder.

"Oh my gosh, I like, totally never noticed how cool and edgy you are!" Nazz gushed, grabbing her hands, "Like, we should totally hang out and give each other makeovers!"

It was almost too good to be true. Her sisters actually respecting her, the twerps were following her around like pets, and even stuck up, little miss perfect Nazz trying to suck up to her. Marie went around the cul-de-sac blowing her magic smoke in the face of everyone she came across. Kevin, Johnny, Rolf, Plank, and even the other two Eds fell under the spell of Marie's pink cigar.

But then suddenly, it all turned into a nightmare.

* * *

Marie ran until her lungs started burning. Her thighs began cramping, but she couldn't stop or they would close in on her. She didn't know what emotion was strongest, fear or annoyance. The kids had become obsessed. Fighting for her attention, clinging to her, pestering her. Always the pestering. Never a second's peace.

"Marie wait!" She heard Nazz call behind her, "I like, totally want you to give me a makeover!"

"And I wanna brush your hair!" Jimmy echoed.

"Let me take care of you baby sis!"

"Hang out with me big sis!"

"Ed wants to fix you buttered toast!"

Fear. Definitely fear. Suddenly, Marie was yanked into an alley way. She opened her mouth to scream only for a hand to gently cover her mouth.

"My apologies, Marie," She heard Double D whisper in her ear, "but I have to ask you to be quiet for a moment."

Marie tensed up as the heard the sound of approaching footsteps. She and Double D remain absolutely still, waiting for them to pass.

"I could have sworn she went this way," Lee panted.

"We have to find her; I can't live without her, man!" Kevin cried desperately.

"Come! Let us check the yard of scrap metal!" Rolf yelled and the chase continued. Away from them.

Double D waited another minute or two to make sure they were gone before releasing her. Marie groaned and doubled over, gasping for breath. A light hand on her shoulder startled her, sending her into fresh panic.

"Ah!" She jumped and whirled around to face Double D, her fist raised and ready."

"W-wait!" Double D held his hands up defensively. "P-please, Marie. I'm only trying to assist you!"

"Uhhh!" Marie groaned and finally lowered her fists. "Jesus, oven mitt, I-"

She suddenly remembered her current situation and the pink cigar still tucked in her back pocket. More importantly, she remembered that he was the first person she used it on. Marie took a closer look at Double D, but strangely he didn't look as love sick as the others. Double D began to shift under her intense gaze and offered her a small smile.

"Is there, um, something the matter, Marie?" He asked.

"Mmm," Marie considered him a moment and decided to just wing it, "Double D… do you love me?"

At once, Double D's face flamed and he began to stammer. "W-w-well, I-I-I-I, uh-um, th-that is to say, um…"

Marie gasped. "You weren't affected by the cigar! B-but how!?"

"Cigar?" Double D frowned, "Do you mean that pink thing you blew in my face? Actually I rather was affected by it. I never had asthma, but mother always did suspect that I had weak lungs-"

"Quit babbling for a minute and think!" Marie interrupted him, "Why would you not be affected by the smoke and the others would be?"

Double D didn't answer for a moment, but then looked away considering. "Well… I went through my regular routine today. I woke up, did my stretches, showered for approximately twenty-three minutes-"

Marie grunted in impatience, "Yeah, yeah everyone does that. What else?"

"Hmmm, I ate breakfast, got dressed, I-" Double D paused for a moment, then began to blush and fidget again, "um, before I went to find you I did spray on some of my father's cologne."

"That's it! It has to be the cologne!" Marie declared triumphantly but then did a small double take, "wait, you purposely went looking for me?"

"That isn't important now," Double D said quickly, "right now we have to save our fellow peers from the effects of that cigar. Come on, I should have the necessary equipment at my house."

* * *

All the kids were in position. Marie ordered them to come to the junkyard and like sheep they obeyed. Using the binoculars Double D gave her, she spied on them practically running in circles looking for her. Marie swallowed and tried to tamper down the flutter in her chest. They were on the hill over-looking the junkyard on a glider that her brilliant muffin had somehow managed to create out of household junk.

"And you're absolutely sure this plan will work Double D?" She asked giving him a worried look.

"Well, we went over the situation several times. I'm about ninety percent sure it will all work out," Double D gave her a reassuring smile and adjusted the goggles over his eyes, "ready?"

Marie nodded and grabbed his hand, "ready when you are."

Double D jumped a little but squeezed her hand. With their helmets already strapped onto their heads, they gripped the handlebar in front of them, took a running start, and jumped.

For a heart-stopping moment, Marie felt the sickening sensation of free falling through the air. The breath left her lungs and she thought she heard a scream below her. Or maybe that was her. But then Double D pulled a level and the glider veered sharply upwards and flew. Again the breath left Marie's lungs but this time it was an entirely new sensation. She whooped in exhilaration and saw Double D grin out of the corner of her eye. Then he pulled another level and there was a hiss as the canisters of homemade cologne was released.

"Look! Up there! Our goddess is flying!" Someone yelled.

Marie glanced down, suddenly feeling panicked. Why wasn't it working!? But then the cologne finally reached the kids below them and they all doubled over in coughing fits.

"I believe it's working, Marie." Double D smiled at her excitedly.

"That's because you're so amazing, oven mitt!" Marie laughed.

A light blush came over Double D's face and he gently guided the glider downward. When they touched ground Marie quickly unstrapped herself from the glider and ran over to her still coughing sisters.

"Lee, May," She grabbed their shoulders and jostled them, "Are you back yer?"

Lee finished coughing first and straightened up with a scowl, "Hands off the merchandise will ya!?

"Yeah, you're gonna mess up my hair." May snapped and shook her off.

"Oh thank goodness!" Marie wanted to collapse in relief, but she still had to be sure the others weren't still gaga over her.

"Hey losers!" She yelled over at the confused looking kids, "you guys still worship me or what?"

She was immediately met with more than one confused glare.

"Worship you?" Kevin scoffed, "Get real, Kanker. You're almost as delusional as those dorks."

"Hey can it shovel chin!" Eddy snapped, "And where the heck is Sockhead!?"

"Right here Eddy," Double D hurried away from his glider and joined his friends, "you and Ed are back to normal I presume?"

Ed and Eddy looked blank, effectively answering his question.

The rest of the kids through Marie weird confused looks like they almost knew what was going on but couldn't quite put their fingers on what. They dispersed grumbling to themselves, while Eddy dragged Double D and Ed with him. Marie watched her muffin go feeling almost forlorn without her hero. But then he looked over his shoulder, giving her a small smile and a wave. And Marie knew that this wasn't going to be the last time she saw him.

As soon as everyone was gone, Lee and May rounded angrily on Marie.

"Marie," Lee growled in a warning voice, "when we get home we are re-burying the _you-know-what_ , understand?"

"Yeah, yeah I got it." Marie rolled her eyes. There was no way she was going through that ever again.


End file.
